Parenting Tips |

Whose Feelings Are You Trying to Protect?

2008-05-01T05:38:00.000-07:00

It is important to allow children to feel their feelings - without us being more concerned about our own (inadvertently, of course).

For example, if a child is crying because one of their playmates took one of their toys from them or they are having difficulty accomplishing a task, it is common to say something along the lines of, "That's all right. It's not a big deal."

For the child to be crying, obviously, it is a big deal to them, in the moment.

Telling them it's not a big deal inadvertently discounts their feelings and in essence, sets up a pattern for them to squelch their feelings as they grow older.

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In the example, I have given, there is not one cut and dry answer to this because it depends on the child in the moment and how upset they are, if this is a pattern of having this happen to them and if there are other factors, such as the child is tired and needing a nap.

So, everything is situational. The important thing to understand is: Whose feelings are more important in that moment. In other words, if it pains you to see your child crying (and most likely it may to some degree or another), what is your true motivation for wanting the child to stop crying? Is it to make him/her feel better? Or to make YOU feel better? :)

This article gives some great examples and tips.

The one things I really liked about it is the example given at the end of the article that can serve as a template for holding a space for the child to begin to take ownership and work a process to help themselves feel better.

What do you take away from this article?

What things have you used successfully in situations like this?

Do kids opinions count?

2008-04-25T04:59:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I had (2) of my grandkids who are aged 1-1/2, and 3- 1/2 spend a number of days and with my wife and I. My wife asked the oldest what she was learning in school. And she was starting her A, B, C's. Which got me thinking. There are many things we learn during our school days. And one thing which isn't taught is parenting.

From my observation most learning about parenting is like a self study course. Unless you go out and attend a parenting class, or buy parenting books, most people learn their parenting skills from their parents, other family members, grandparents, and neighbors. I find that humorous in one aspect, and sad in another way. Especially since the early years are what basically shapes us for the rest of our lives. And who we are going to be, and so on.

Here's why I say this. From many articles and books I have read, many of our "issues" we deal with as adults have their roots stemming from an early childhood incident. Usually before the age of seven. So just because we have made it to an adult age, doesn't necessarily mean we are good parents, mentors or role models for our kids.

Let me share a quick example of what I am talking about. My wife and I were invited to watch one of our young family members participate in a holiday pageant at their church. The pulpit area was jammed with kids, all surrounding a number of high ranking church members. The church leader was sitting in the middle, and he was asking the kids (who were between 2-5 years old), what their favorite Christmas song was.

Many of the kids, shouted out things like "Frosty the Snowman", "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", "Here Comes Santa Clause" etc. Then the leader interrupted and asked one child his favorite Christmas song. The small child replied "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer." The leader said "that was a good pick, but what about "O Come, All Ye Faithful?" He turned to another child seated at this feet, and asked her for her favorite Christmas song. And she replied "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" Whereby he once again questioned the child and asked "what about Silent Night?" Huh????

This question and answer thing went on for a couple more minutes. At first it was funny, but by the 4th kid it hit me. The leader was trying to coach the kids into changing their answers. The more kids he asked, it appeared that he was becoming more and more aggravated. And shortly thereafter the kids started to lose interest in this game.

It became apparent to me that the kids reactions boiled down to simple human nature. Simply , words, nobody wants to be told they are wrong. Especially when they don't know the goal, or the even the rules of the game.

I could speculate and make up a dozen or more different scenarios as to why the leader was trying to have the kids answer differently with a more traditional Christmas song. My observation is the leader asked a question. And because the kids weren't answering the question to his liking. He was making them wrong, and telling the children that they weren't doing it right. I could also see that some of the kids were getting confused, and irritated when they were told to change their answer so that it suited him.

Is it any wonder that one of the biggest challenges many people face is low self esteem? Not trusting themselves. Thinking they are not good enough. I don't believe the leader was doing it intentionally. And I don't believe parents want to consciously hurt their kids either. Yet studies, and research have shown that an innocent experience like I have described above, can actually be the root cause of bigger issues as children mature into adulthood.

Some people have a default thought process which goes like this, "My parents raised me this way, and I turned out ok. So I'll just raise my kids the same way."

Without giving any thought to the child's best interest. All kids are the same...right? That's like saying that all cars are the same. Would you drive an SUV in the same manner that you drove a sports car? I don't think so.

My point to this is all kids are different, and must be treated accordingly. For their interest(s), and highest good. Not my agenda.

In my humble opinion, everybody needs guidance, and mentoring at times. It doesn't matter whether you are a child, parent, business owner, or the president of the United States.The question for your consideration is, "am I truly listening to my child and treating them in the same manner I want to be treated"?

In other words going back to my original question. Do kids opinions count, or are you just giving them lip service?

Authored by Elon Block - Owner of Simply Unique Baby Gifts

Empowering - not Overpowering Works Best

2008-04-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I posted a tip for dealing with Power Struggles and this morning, I found another resource for advice that I think is fantastic!

The thing that I love about the parenting article by Karan Sims is: she talks about empowering instead of overpowering the child.

That is a much better position for raising healthy adults as we are teaching them early on to be confident in making choices and modeling how to be centered regardless of what others may think.

In addition to that, there cannot be a power struggle unless two people are involved in a push-me pull-me. In other words, it takes two to tango!

Thanks Karan for your great article and the tips you suggest! Out of the variety offered, I am sure one or more can work beautifully to enhance the relationship between the adult and the child!

Any readers have success stories that you can share on this topic? I would love to hear it and I am sure others would get great value from your examples!

How to Avoid a Power Struggle with your Child

2008-04-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

Hey, what do you mean
I have to go to bed now?,
originally uploaded
by Just Taken Pics.

The very best way to avoid a power struggle with a child is to use "visioning". What is visioning?

Visioning is the same process that is used prior to going into any activity whereby you want to excel! In other words, let's say you are going to be presenting an idea at a business meeting and you want the idea to be accepted well by the other participants of the meeting. (Before you think I have gone off my rocker because all of a sudden, I am speaking about business meetings and not kids... bear with me - I'm going somewhere with this!)

If you were wanting to make sure your ideas in a business meeting were accepted well by the other folks in the meeting, any knowledgeable business coach would advise you to envision, in advance, what it is you want to have happen in the presentation. You might say to yourself a few times in advance of the meeting, "During this meeting, I want to be clear in my ideas, clear in my presentation of my ideas, have the idea accepted well and regardless of what happens, I want to feel great!"

[By the way, this concept in taught in a much bigger way in many business books I would recommend.]

Now, back to you and "presenting" ideas to kids, as that is what this blog is about! ;-)

Let's say you are getting ready to put your child to bed. And you have noticed in the last few weeks that he/she has been a bit cranky and now, there is a pattern of struggle that has set itself up every evening over this issue.

Imagine, in advance, and you might even say this to yourself over and over, in anticipation: "Tonite, when it is time to put (name) to bed, I am going to feel centered, I am going to be clear in my suggestion that now is the time to get some sleep for another fun day tomorrow, I am going to have this segment of the evening go smoothly and regardless of what happens, I am going to feel great!"

And then, fully expect that it will go well and as you have "rehearsed" in your mind!

Now, in the event it does not, it only means there needs to be a bit more practice on your part in having this new pattern be your reality. In other words, your expectation, and thus, your success with having this segment of the evening go well will be the norm, with practice.

Try this and let me know how you make out with it! :-)

Welcome to the Simply Unique Baby Gifts Blog!

2008-04-07T13:08:00.001-07:00

It is our intention that you get great value from this blog and the information we provide gives you help in enjoying your child even more!

We will be providing you with information regarding "positive" parenting and other helpful and timely tips for parents!

Look for the first (real) post soon! :)